Uneventful is Great

The last 10 days have been quite uneventful wrt side effects, and I'm so grateful for that! I've been sleeping easily, and doing errands, helping the kids, cooking, and spring cleaning. Of course, I get tired so I lie down for periods during the day to recharge.

I like tracking the things I've been able to do since I've felt better:

I went to Keenan's band concert last Thursday (he plays clarinet) and was impressed how much they've improved in a year.

On Saturday, I went to a funny movie (My Family Wedding) with Kemi, Yinka, Olivia and Beckie. As Yinka and Olivia got ready to leave, Yinka mentioned reading about risk factors that can lead to breast cancer. We agreed that there didn't seem to be any direct correlations... that it can just happen - to large and small women, large and small breasts, those who eat well and those who don't, those will cancer in the family and those without, etc. The important point was that as each of us was either already 40, or had a sister ,aunt, grandmother or mother who had had cancer, so we all need to be diligent with checking for lumps, and following up with mammograms. We started to talk about how we face stress each day, how we can just keep going and going, and actually be wearing ourselves out while not really enjoying what we do. As Olivia said, at times we get so stressed about keeping it all going, that we forget to ask "What's the worst that could happen?" if I let go... It seems each of us wants the same thing - a way to earn money that we look forward to doing each day, and having the energy to give our families our love and support to keep them happy too. We need to keep trying to consider the options that can lead us there.

We visited a new church (episcopal) for Palm Sunday cos I missed the traditions of the services in Freetown, with the hymns and the handing out of palms - Bianca wants to be sure that we go again on Easter Sunday cos she thinks it will be really 'festive'.

I took walks with Monsoon (Kemi's family dog) and the kids, and saw deer (which terrified Bianca and Tarin) and a Great Blue Herons (needed Keenan to identify it for me) several times. On Sunday, we went to Lifetime Fitness instead cos of rain, and since that was new for Bianca, she had to try nearly all the machines....

With Kemi and Enmartz's help, was able to get the furniture Bianca's room rearranged yesterday - really wanted to get that done before my next treatment tomorrow.

Anyway, I have started to take the meds in preparation for tomorrow (Dexamethazone, helps prevent nausea). I welcome this next round of drugs and will work to keep my mind focused on the good they are doing in me over the next week.

I thank God for this New Day!

Sleeping

This week will be remembered for the hours I spent trying to sleep. I have no idea what set it off but starting Monday, I found I couldn't get my mind to settle down, got only 4 hrs Monday, and 3 hrs Tuesday. I spent all Wednesday night awake, making the next day very tense. I asked my doc if it had something to do with the sedative I'd been on; but in the end I figured it was just self-perpetuating. I couldn't sleep cos I hadn't been able to sleep in the hours before that. But even that explanation doesn't make sense cos I've never had insomnia so bad. On Wednesday, though I tried reading and watching a movie, I started to panic, and by dawn, I was felt I was going out of my head. On Thursday though, I delved deeper into the book I was reading about women in the Bible (Tamar, Hagar). I focused God's faithfulness, and how I knew that because of that I would get through it. I finally dosed off around 3pm, and I woke up more excited than I ever remember being! I couldn't spoke praising God for the blessing of sleep. On Friday night, I was able to get about 6 hrs, and last night was good as well. I just thank God for the lessons I learned from it all though. That no matter how dark it gets, the moment will pass and you will be able have it all behind you. You can't allow yourself to get so overwhelmed with the pain that you are going through that you forget that.

I thank God for this beautiful weekend!!

CBCs and Sleep

My blood work today was low again - 1.8 for WBC - so it's higher than last time (1.2) but still lower than it should be (4.0). It's OK though - at least I know the lower dose is doing its job, and the side effects are better. The only troubling thing now is sleep. The sedative is losing its effect, so I lie in bed for hours not really sure why I can't sleep. I called the nurse about it this morning but didn't hear back... I'm starting to watch more movies though - saw In The Still of the Night today on Hulu. It's a beautiful day here, and we aired the house out. I'm planning to plant some tomatoes indoors later today - have everything ready to set it up in the bathroom.

I thank God for this New Day!

Boxing Match

As I stepped out of the shower last night, I was thinking of what a good analogy was for going thru chemo - was is like a doing a triathalon? Hmm - didn't seem right cos I see those triathaloners and they look pretty tough... Then this morning it occurred to me - it's like a boxing match. Before I started I was so ready. I was like, just give it to me, nice and strong, so any leftover cancer cells will be out of me forever! "Give me your best shot"... A week or two after the first one, Kemi asked if I felt like just when I was getting better, it was time for another go, and whether I was dreading it. I said No - I was getting stronger and would just enjoy the new found energy - I'd be ready. It's so different now. Just thinking about the infusion area, seeing cancer patients, or even talking about the meds, makes me feel ill. I feel like a boxer, trying to get up after being hit, knowing that you're just going to get hit again. In this case though, winning is just not giving up - getting up ever time and making it to the bell.

The Storm is Over Now

...the storm is over now

I can see the sunshine, somewhere beyond the clouds.... (R.Kelly)

This song's been ringing in my head this evening - I feel that I'm slowly breaking out of the dark cloud of my last treatment. Food is regaining it's taste, the nausea is passing, I'm starting to return phone calls... Though I'm no less tired than before, the lowered dose has kept me from getting those terrible headaches I had last time. I'm determined to get at least 7-8 hrs sleep at night, which means I sleep before the kids sometimes and have to take 2 sedatives (one every 5 hrs or so). I don't stress as much about eating enough during Days 2-4 - everything tastes so blah that I just focus on getting the liquids down (not an easy task). Today's been good but I decided to just eat what I have a taste for, and drink ginger tea to help settle my stomach - works for now.

Last week was such an overwhelmingly emotional one. It's one thing to leave a job, but leaving one when you have cancer, makes it so much more intense, and it made saying goodbye much harder. I was taken aback by things that people said, and their generosity.

Before I went for this last treatment, I thought a lot about how people are able to stay positive when they are physically in a lot of pain or discomfort. My daily devotion on March 10 talked about how at times people mistake their feelings and emotions for faith - how Christians get in trouble when they walk by feelings not faith. It ended by saying "When I cannot feel the faith of assurance, I live by the fact of God's faithfulness. (M. Henry)" I have reminded myself of the fact that God is faithful so many times over the past few days. I even used it as a way to put myself to sleep, running through the alphabet of people who have testified to His faithfulness... A - Abraham; B- Barnabas; C-Chinya, Caleb; D- David, Daniel; E-Esther, Enmartz; ...

I thank God for this New Day!

Lowered Dose

I had my pre-infusion appt today, and Dr. Robert decided to reduce my chemo dosage by 10%. My white blood cell count has dropped quite low after each of the past two infusions, and I cannot handle the antibiotic that he had wanted me to take to prevent infection, so he said that it's dangerous to keep it the same. I asked how long it takes for the Neulasta (the shot I take the day after chemo to boost my immunity) to take effect, and he said that it starts right away but it only helps shorten the duration that I may have low immunity, and doesn't keep the white blood cell count from dropping. He said that the initial chemo dose that was developed for me was just an estimate of what would work, and that despite the reduction, he felt that the drugs would still have the beneficial effect that they expected them to. I asked him about some other symptoms I've had - swollen and watery eyes, for instance - and he said that they are all effects of the drugs. Knowing that kept me from scheduling appts with other doctors to figure out what was going on... Anyway I am thankful that my blood work today turned out to be within the acceptable range, and I am in good shape for Thursday.

It's weird getting used to having a fixed amount of energy to expend during the day... I find that though I wake up feeling pretty normal these days, it's a mistake to spend too long cleaning up or cooking or even talking for long, cos it means that by early afternoon, I am completely drained. The past week's been pretty busy as I tried to wrap things up at the office, and also tried to fit in some fun things before the next round. I went to lunch twice with friends, to Keenan's Tae Kwon Do belt ceremony, shopping for cleats with Keenan, to see 'Shutter Island' with Chinya, and drove myself to Maryland to Miranda's house. In a way I had to make myself do these things, cos what my body was telling me to do was to just stay put, but mentally I had to make the most of my good days so that I'd remember I did when things got rough again.

Most of all I just want to say again how blessed I feel to have help/support from so many people - phone calls, food, messages, gifts, cards... I wait for the day it's my turn to give back, but for now all I can do is say THANK YOU!

I thank God for a New Day!