Hair Loss

If I could do one thing over, it would be to have just shaved my head before the hair loss started, but I guess a part of me thought maybe it wouldn't happen. The infusion nurse had told me she'd never seen anyone on my chemo drugs/dose not lose theirs, but... Anyway, it started about 2 weeks into the first chemo round. By then Kemi had cut my hair to about a centimeter or so high so I could try wigs on. From then on it came out slowly at first, mostly as I washed it. What I hadn't expected was that it would hurt so much - my scalp became unbelievably tender, and I had terrible headaches starting by 8 or 9 or so every evening. It was as if my scalp was burning up and the only way to get relief was to wash my hair, and coat my hair/head with aloe vera gel. The advice nurse said that it was the weight of my remaining hair pulling on the dying hair cells. By Day 17, the pain got to be overwhelming and I asked Chinya to cut my hair down with his clippers. It's was a real bonding moment :-) Later, I got lots of comments that I looked better that way than wearing the wig, and I should just go with the buzz cut instead. I had to remind them that all of it was supposed to fall off - none of us could really visualize it yet. I said, I'm going to be bald... not really believing it myself. Anyway, it became quite traumatic, as I continued to watch more and more hair come off during my showers, or as more ended up mixed up with the gel on my hands as I rubbed it on. Finally, around Day 20 or so, I used the electric razor and ended the ordeal. My wig fits on great now and is so comfortable - it has a medistrip in the front that kinda adhers to the scalp. And best of all, no more burning headaches during this second round. So, if ah bin no...

Thank God for this New Day!

My Faith Journey

A friend had said back when I started this blog that it should be my 'faith' journey, not cancer journey. Though I appreciated her point, at the time, I was so focused on the disease that I could not see clearly beyond it. I have come a long way since, and now, on Day 9 following my second infusion, I see clearly that this is a FAITH journey at its heart. There's so much I could say about how I know that this experience was designed to reach areas of my life that I was holding on to with all my might, but yet were hurting me and those around me. Yesterday I fell to the level of ultimate brokenness/surrender. I had to admit that I was not able to keep on the juggling act - I couldn't carry on as before - and I had to quit my job. I've shed many tears over the past week since my last infusion, over just feeling so helpless and unable to function, or just because of frustrations with not being able to have it go better or feel stronger. Yesterday, as Chinya and I spoke after making the decision to quit, I said to him - enti you kin say ah hard (you always say I am so tough), look at me know - it's the weak Kule. And he said Praise the Lord! Shortly afterwards, I was writing in my journal and noted the day's scripture at the bottom of the page - Matt 11:28 Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. My journal entry had been about how the weight of having my job (and being PM on several projects that were in need of attention) had just gotten to much for me. I guess I can be very stubborn and letting go and realizing there is nothing for me to do now except rest and get better, ended up in being a major struggle within me. I praise God though cos he wants us at this point where we are not holding on so tightly to certain things in our lives that we lose ourselves. I listened to this sermon online today and it couldn't have been more ideal for where I am right now - God's Pathway to Brokenness. http://www.intouch.org/site/c.cnKBIPNuEoG/b.4945473/k.BE35/Home.htm

I thank God for my faith journey!

Fatigue and WBC counts

I think the worst is over: I had about 4-5 days of fatigue, followed by body aches, headaches, stomach cramps, low white blood cell count, insomnia, sore mouth,... but here I am on Day 12, and I feel pretty good. Each day had it's own challenges, and I found it useful to track how I felt, what I ate, what meds I took for relief, how long I slept, how much water I drank, any negative reactions I had, etc. The biggest shock was how low my white blood cell count dropped by Day 7 (to 0.1), and because of the threat of infection, I had to be away from everyone for a few days (Thur eve to Sunday eve). By this morning, I just had to know if we needed to keep that up, so I asked for another blood test, and turns out the WBC count had risen to 16! Praise God! Turns out my RBC is on the low side of normal, so Bianca and I celebrated the results with hamburgers for dinner. I've been living on soups, jello, toast and smoothies for the past week and a half, so I'm not surprised that I'm low on iron. I guess the next most difficult aspect was dealing with how tired I felt, especially on Saturday and Sunday (Days 3 and 4). It all seems so long ago now, and I'm just pressing forward....

Thank God for another day!