5 Years...

I have been waiting for this day for months. Sometimes I think, did I miss it? Other times I count the days to December 11th... But it's finally here. I feel relieved. I made to the 5-yr anniversary of the day I was diagnosed! I knew I wanted to tell the family, have dinner out, have cake... just celebrate that I am still here with them. I thank God for the whole journey because without it I wouldn't be able to empathize with those who suffer from depression and anxiety, insomnia, pain, doubt, endless hours of waiting, confusion and isolation. You don't come out of it the same as you were before but that's not all bad. Yes, there are some things I lost that I miss, like feeling really cheerful, like everything is good it the world. I don't have days like that anymore. I don't get the same lift from window shopping, or browsing in a bookstore, or a day in a big city, or a great show... maybe I am just more focused and not much fun anymore? In other ways, I am happier because I am doing what I want to, and we are blessed in many ways. I am here to enjoy the children as they grow up - you think they need you more when they are young but the number of times they come (or text!) needing this or that. It is great to feel needed :-) Overall, I am just thankful to be here still and thank God for another new day!

Getting Ready for Trips

We're two weeks away from our trip to Sierra Leone, and one by one, I am able to take things of my to-do list. Today I got the All Clear from radiation oncologist. Thank God! He checked my nodes (in arm pits, and along my neck) as well as how I felt as he tapped on my back. He said anything unusual in these areas (like lumpiness near the nodes) would be a sign of a problem, but all were normal. He went over my mammogram and MRI, which were done in October, before my first trip to Freetown, and those results had been good too. As usual, the mammogram had shown little ('very dense tissues') but the MRI results were as good as I could hope for. Even lumps that were the cause of some debate (PASH) following the MRI-guided biopsy back in January, had disappeared! Praise God. I had asked for that MRI in October and this time it was approved because I had noticed significant difference in the sizes of my breasts. The left was a few bra sizes larger, and the skin was also much thicker. The MRI had shown that there was thickening of the tissues but that it was the result of the radiation. The radiation oncologist today said that he thought that it was because I had loose breast tissue - that meant there was room for the tissues to become 'swollen' from the impact of the radiation. I asked how that went along with the mammogram results, which show dense tissues. He went back over it and saw that reference, and could not offer an explanation. He said if he'd seen the mammogram description first, he would have expected tissue much harder to the touch, not soft as mine were. Asked if perhaps, they were not very dense but just didn't have much fat, and he shrugged. I guess we'll let that go for now since there is no clear answer.

Afterwards I went by Barnes and Noble - of course, trying to do some research on the breast tissue mystery - and came across a book "What Your Dr May Not Tell You About Breast Cancer" by Dr. John Lee. It left me feeling confused. Talked about how Tamoxifen should be avoided, and progesterone creams should be used. It says Tamoxifen only delays potential recurrence since it only makes the estrogen receptors dormant and after the 5-year period of effectiveness, you are as much at risk as you were before. I will ask Dr. Robert about this in my appointment on the 21st.

I thank God for this New Year!!

Back for one last surgery...

The medi-port is out... this marks the real end of this saga for me. No more visits to the infusion room for the monthly flushing of the port. No more rubbing of my bra strap against the little device. And no longer a cancer patient! (I'm claiming that in Jesus' name!) The procedure was quick and by tomorrow I will be able to take the bandage off. I even got to bring the port home with me, but I'm already ready to throw it in the trash! I don't exactly need it to remember this experience ;-)

I thank God for this New Day!!

Moving On

I am 11 weeks past chemotherapy, 1 week out of radiation, 1 day without my wig, and one step at a time, I am putting this phase behind me! A few symptoms linger, like the fatigue, fingertip numbness, and hot flashes, but over all I am doing well. I exercise nearly every day, and am up to a half hour walking at an 8.5% incline at 3.5 mph each day. Exercise is so fundamental to fighting a recurrence that I don't allow myself to even think about whether I feel up to doing it - I just go to the gym and before I know it, I am done and feel good about myself.

I just got a call to say that the wife of a friend of ours was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I thank God that I feel I am in a position now to help others through this. Her husband asked how do we deal with this, and I told him that you need to just accept it as you would any other challenge in your life (being unemployed, for instance), and face it with determination to make it through despite how dark it gets. The worst thing you can do is to sink into depression, feeling sorry for yourself. You need to take it one day at a time, and with God's help you can stay positive about making it through.

I Thank God for this New Day!

"Our times are in your hands...." Ps. 31:15. I am in awe of how God can move in our lives! The call today from the oncologist (Dr Pierce) to say that our insurance company had reversed their decision not to cover the IMRT, after twice denying requests from her for it, blew me away... She told me on Tuesday that after the 2nd denial, they were going to try and re-work their original plan (with traditional radiation therapy) to see how they could avoid my heart. I asked her what if they could not achieve that, and she said she'd go back to the insurance company but she doubted they would change their minds. Chinya and I had just had lunch to celebrate our 14th anniversary, and were taking a walk when the call came. It was disappointing but after all we have been through, we've come to a point where we know that God will give us the ability to face whatever challenges we meet, even if that meant paying for the IMRT ourselves. Last night I listened to several sermons by Alistair Begg, and read several psalms - I am particularly intrigued these days by David's devotion to God, despite his shortcomings and weaknesses. I went to bed trusting that since God is in control, we don't need to be anxious about the uncertainties in our lives. Waking up to news like this is awesome! I praise God for His faithfulness!

It's all moving forward quickly now. I start radiation on Monday - 25 treatments over the 5 weeks. I didn't get any other instructions so I assume that preparations and side effects will basically be the same as for the other treatment. It feels so good to have this settled so I can finalize plans for the next couple months.

I thank God for this New Day!!

Prepping for Radiation

Today the reality of radiation started to take shape in my head. I guess till now, my only focus had been getting through chemotherapy... I figured the radiation step was trivial. They'd shoot the beam at me and slowly kill off the cancer cells over the course of the 6 weeks, in 5-minute daily increments. I went to the appt today to get CT scans done and my tattoos (X marks the spot) put in, and I was a bit taken aback by how the radiation techs and the doctor seemed to struggle somehow in getting me positioned correctly in the machine. I had to lay on my back, with my left arm above my head, my shoulders aligned straight, and my back supported at about a 15-degree angle. They wondered if they'd be able to get the whole breast in from the position towards my left. They had to go back and forth about it for a while before they finally slid me into the CT machine (a donut-shaped machine) and took the scans.

After it was over, a nurse told us (Chinya and I) about how a typical day would go, what lotion and powder I'd use afterwards, to avoid Vit E and C supplements, how my fatigue would continue, that I would feel sharp but infrequent twitching (I think that was the word), and basically I should be careful with the skin in that area for the duration. I'd should expect to be in and out within twenty minutes or so each day. My next appt was set for next Thursday, when we'd do a trial run, before starting on June 1 (our 14th anniversary actually!).

I thought it was all set until I got a call from Dr. Pierce (the radiation oncologist) later in the afternoon. They'd been over my scans and basically the tumor had been directly over my heart and the plan they had would not work. They were afraid they could not prevent the beam from damaging the heart, and they needed to use IMRT (Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy) instead. An advanced mode of high-precision radiotherapy that utilizes computer-controlled linear accelerators to deliver precise radiation doses to a malignant tumor or specific areas within the tumor. (Internet) That meant they had to rework the plan for me, and would contact me soon to re-schedule. I was a bit shaken up by this initially but remembered that this why we chose to use Dr. Pierce and her Fairfax practice in the first place (meaning I drive at least 40 minutes each way, instead of just 5 minutes to get to the Loudoun practice). When we first met, she had pointed out before that the proximity to the heart was a concern, and it would require an experienced radiation oncologist. God is still in control.

I thank God for this New Day!

I had my last trip to the chemo infusion room yesterday! I claim that in faith.

I met two new patients, and saw another for the second time. We had a lively time talking - the husband of a patient with lung cancer told us at least 5 great jokes. He was quite a character. It was her first treatment, after radiation which shrunk her tumor to half the size, and afterwards we talked about losing hair, head coverings, etc. What made it particularly special to have her hubby (Bill) telling all the jokes was that on Tuesday I dropped in at the Life with Cancer Center, which is just next door from the doctor's office after my appointment. Just planned to go to the library and see if they had some books I could take with me. Turns out a class was just starting on Spirituality, and I decided to drop in. It ended up being my only class I've taken during my treatment. Anyway, there were mostly older ladies there, and the presenter was giving a talk about Laughter. Was quite entertaining. Towards the end, they asked whether the newcomers (me and a lady sitting next to me whose husband was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer) if we didn't have any funny stories to share, and how were we getting through without humor? The lady said that they were just trying to make it. I mentioned that it took till I got nearly halfway through chemo before I was at a point where I was in the mood for that. Kemi had given me a book on chemo jokes, and I never got to the point where I wanted to read them. I did share some funny things that had happened the night before, things Keenan said/did before going to bed, that reminded me how sweet it is to end a busy day with laughter!

I'll go out this rendition of this song (I Just Can't Give Up Now, I've Come Too Far From Where From Where I Started From) by James Cleveland- "I Don't Feel No Ways Tired" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_4tDOO1fZ0&feature=related. There's nothing like an old spiritual...

I thank God for this New Day!