Tomorrow I have my post-op appt and I expect to hear what they have learned from the lab testing of the node biopsy, and what the treatment options are. We’ll ask about oncologists, both at the Fairfax hospital and at Johns Hopkins, and see who Dr. Moynihan recommends. Most of the pain is gone around my lump incision but the one under my arm pit is still uncomfortable, but better since I took the bandage off yesterday. It’s funny how it’s little things that remind me that things are not quite the same – taking a hot shower used to be a highlight of my evening but now I dread it - I have to come up with ways to have the hot water on my back without wetting the incisions; and I don’t enjoy my morning coffee or my daily chocolate snack anymore - instead I wonder if all the not so good stuff I’ve had over the years have contributed to this... Anyway, on to more important things... Today I realized that telling others about my cancer can actually help some others – to not put off their annual pap or to follow up with a lump. It’s actually becoming more difficult to tell people about my cancer though. I think because initially I was in shock myself and needed support, I couldn't stop talking about it… now that I’ve more or less come to terms with it, it seems there is less to say, and it takes more energy to talk about how serious a condition this is... just want to say that we are trusting God through it.

I’ve been reading Dr. Susan Love’s Breast Book, and it’s packed with great information both for those with and without cancer. I think if I’d read this back in April when I had the mammogram, I probably would have pushed to have the lump biopsied. It talks about how if we feel there is something wrong with a lump, despite what the doctor may observe, we should insist on the biopsy. We feel the lump from both inside and out, while they feel the outside. I knew that there was something weird about it – yes, it was round and smooth, which is supposed to indicate a benign lump, but I didn’t feel right, even before it started to grow. The section in the book about interpreting mammograms was also interesting, and I can see how the current debate has led to the opinion that women should not have them regularly. Seems the accuracy of the diagnosis seems to have a lot to do with the experience of the mammographer/radiologist. It was interesting that the author herself said that if the radiologist wasn’t sure after reading a mammogram, and had written to her that a patient's lump “was a possible fibroadenoma, but cancer can’t be ruled out”, she would have had two choices, either wait 6 months and see if it grew, or if the patient were really anxious, have it biopsied. I’ve always been more likely not to want to disagree and to hold in any reservations I have, but in the case of our health, it should not about being polite or agreeable. It came up in conversation with Oni today, how for the doctor we are just another case, but for us, it's about our survival and we need to take more responsibility.

I thank God for another day!