I have breast cancer. I still don't fully believe this myself. I went for the surgery on Nov 30 '09 to remove a "chest wall subcutaneous mass", what the radiologist had called a "pimple" inside my skin when I had the mammogram in April. I had noticed the lump in a few weeks before and told my gynecologist about it and right away he scheduled the mammogram. When he (Dr Kusic) heard is was just a cyst, he said there was no need to take it out. Towards the end of the summer, I noticed it had started growing and during my next pap, in Sept I told him I wanted to take it out. He gave me a name of a good surgeon and I had to wait till Nov to see him. It was a long 6 weeks and I felt the lump growing weekly towards the end. It was getting so that it was painful and I could feel it there even without touching it. The day finally came and somehow I thought he'd take it out on the spot. Of course he didn't but within a week (Nov 22) I was in his office operating room. He must have pricked me 5-6 times with local anesthetic but the pain was excruciating as he continued to cut. Dr Moynihan said there was no point in hurting me and he'd schedule me to do it in the hospital under general anesthetic. Chinya was in the waiting room, and I texted him to say it didn't work. I was really disappointed, in myself as well for not handling the pain. Waiting the week for the surgery date was difficult - I was cut up, not sewn up completely, prone to infection...but most of all what bugged me was that the lump was still there. I thank God - he was able to fit me in for surgery the very next Monday (Nov 30) and I was feeling good as Chinya dropped me off.

As I waited the hour or 90 minutes to be taken in, I read a good portion of Khaled Hosseini's 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' , so my memories of that morning are filled with Mariam growing up in Afghanistan. I was taken in early and the staff so so good to me. There was a young Asian intern hovering around, asking everyone questions about the case and my chart, and he finally came to me and asked me what had led me to this point. I appreciated his intensity. After the procedure, Chinya came to get me and though it was painful, I was very relieved. As I drove for my post-op appointment yesterday, I thought that at least I could be confident that it was OK since I hadn't heard back from the doctors during the week and a half. But God knew otherwise...

When the Dr Moynihan came in to speak to me yesterday, his first comment was 'I hope I didn't hurt you too much'. After I told him it was all find, he said two words. Breast Cancer. I just looked at him as he repeated it and went on and on. I didn't hear anything except that I had to come back and he was scheduling me for something on Monday. I thought of the kids and them not having a mother... I asked 'Am I going to die?' Sounds silly now but everything was spinning. Since the appointment was only supposed to be a time for him to look at the wound, I had come alone. I called Chinya and told him and I cried and cried. I wanted to hear someone who had had cancer tell me it would be OK.

By the time the kids got off school, I was feeling much better. I had regained some focus and was getting to a place where I could see that I would be able to face what was ahead, WITH GOD GIVING ME STRENGTH. As Shola shared with me Jer 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you plans to give you hope and a future. However, it wasn't till I spoke to Sheila that I took the pathology report out and started to go through it. It was helpful to have her help me understand parts of report, and hear about the advances in cancer research and how perceptions of breast cancer today are still based on experiences of those who were not able to benefit from treatments available today. She told me of her cancer center, and I wondered whether there was one here. Last night Kemi went over the report line by line, and told me a website that would help me understand it. Before I went to bed, I started to go over the documents that the Breast Care Navigotor at the doctor's office had given me. I found information about understanding the report, infot about the Cancer Center at Fairfax Hospital, etc, etc. I decided that in the morning, I would start to go over what I had, so here I go....

Final Diagnosis -

Tumor size: 1.5 cm

Skin: Invasive carcinoma does not invade into the dermis or epidermis (Dr Moynihan said this was good)

Ductal carcinoma in-situ is present (0.3cm)

Histologic type: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (Invasive means that cancer has grown beyond where it started. This type of cancer begins in a milk duct but grows into the surrounding tissue. It's the most common type of breast cancer.)

Grade 3: Cells are fast growing (high nercrosis present)

Margins: Invasive carcinoma less than 0.1cm from medial margin (This is why I have to go back on Monday for more surgery. Margins are the normal tissue around the tumor. They did not find 'clean margins' completely around the tumor and so it's likely that they did not remove all of it.)

Don't know much more at this point. I feel more anxious now that I have gone over this. Over the next week the doctors will learn more and figure out the path ahead and I need to just stay focused one day at a time. This weekend I am preparing for the surgery on Monday. When I get in they will inject me with a dye that will help them located the Sentinel Node under my arm pit. They want to take this out to check my condition of my lymph nodes. Then they will go into the same incision and remove what need to. I pray for direction and wisdom for Dr Moynihan as he does the procedure.

There's so much I am thankful for:

1. Chinya and I are in a good place in our marriage. He says he's with me forever... if I am without a breast, a leg, anything...

2. I have Kemi, Kumbo and Yinka living close by. To come home from the doctor yesterday and have Kemi home to hug me and tell me she now knows why she is here...

3. Mama and Daddy arrive on Monday. Couldn't have planned this better :-)

4. I am closer to my cousins (Shola, Kunbi, Bumi, Tunji and Bisi) and their families than I have been in years

5. I didn't have to agonize through a long period before they took the tumor out. By the time I found out I had cancer, a large lump was out of me.

6. I live at a time when cancer research made strides

7. I have others, like Chinya and Sheila, who have have fought through life-threatening diseases. Chinya encourages me not to be depressed but to keep living and trusting God through it. Sheila encourages me to rely on those supporting me, and not feel I have to be strong all the time.

8. The kids have their own relationships with God, and are not devastated by the news.

9. I am working part time so I can take time off without any issues.

I thank God for this new day!